Am I wrong to not want to think about what lies ahead of us? To not want to face the harsh reality of what is to come for Jackson. To not being able to cope with all of that right now? Am I in denial? Am I being naive? Or is this just me dealing with this Usher situation?
Nobody prepares you for this. I think other mothers of children with special needs will agree. There is no guidebook. You get thrown into the water and you swim. Because your world might have stopped turning upon getting that diagnosis, the sun will still come up every day. You have to move forward.
And I want to move forward, as Jackson is moving forward. He is sitting, he is standing, he is babbling. And that is all great, but there is this gigantic monster that is always lurking. The constant reminder of “there is worse to come”. And I cannot deal with it. I cannot face it. Not yet. I know it’s there, I know it will come, but at this time I choose to ignore it.
I choose hope over worry and happiness over sadness
Does that make me a bad person? I don’t know. For now I prefer to enjoy the happiness in our lives. Luckily, we have plenty of that. What will come will come but there is nothing in my power right now that can change that. So I choose hope over worry and happiness over sadness.
Reality will come knocking on our door, I have no illusions. But when it’s time to face this reality, at least I will be strengthened by happy memories, and more important, so will my son.
Photo courtesy of De Morgen – Karoly Effenberger